I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
