I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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