dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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