just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
