i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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