He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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