Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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