She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
