I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
