It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
