It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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