I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
