Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
