I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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