i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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