Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
