he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
