Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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