You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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