I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
two words...techno handjob
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
