Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize