I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
