just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
