a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
