I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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