he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
