i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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