About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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