it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
