Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I just want nice things and good sex
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize