Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
