oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
