i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Randomize