I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
