my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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