I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
