AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
