apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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