some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize