His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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