You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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