You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
