I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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