Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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