It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm at about main and main street
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
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