My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
