Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
