I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize