normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
