All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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