My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
