Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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