Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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