He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
