How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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