Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
