onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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